you knew my path

My friend always told me

“God doesn’t waste suffering . . . 
if we cooperate.”

To Cooperate with God:
to struggle,
to keep an open, honest communication
with Him about all that concerns me
and the ones I love.

I wrote the following letter to God five years after my brother got lost in the mountains of the Montana wilderness and died of hypothermia. I didn’t post it here, nor shared it much.  Now three and a half years later, I see how the lessons learned about cooperating with God instruct me still.

* * * *

Somehow, I knew you knew my path, even when it was darkest.
I was counting on You helping me to heal. And You did.
As I look back, I can appreciate and understand what You have done for me.

Psalm 142:3
When my spirit was overwhelmed within me,
then You knew my path.

Yes Lord you did!
You knew this loss would strike at
my very being.
You knew it would be
complicated by earlier
unresolved losses.
You knew I would be in deep pain
deeper than I had ever known.
You knew
this was the very thing
I most feared . . .
losing someone I loved.

You knew my path.

You provided people who
journeyed with me,.
people who did not give answers,
but gave themselves.
And now I can thank You,
not that you allowed the loss –
but that you knew my path
through the loss.

You knew all I would learn
as I processed this deep loss.
And You did not spare me
the pain of the loss.

You knew I would learn to
“Pay Attention . . . ”
to see more clearly
your activity in the midst of
daily life.

You knew the self-awareness
that comes from processing grief
would give me the confidence
to begin stand on my own two feet.

You knew my path.

You went with me to the painful places
You let me know you were there
when my baby sister
was born too early
and died
the same day.
You knew how much I would miss her.

And you let me know without a doubt
you were there that terrible morning
when my little brother
breathed his last labored breath
while I was in the next room,
on my knees
pleading for his life.

You knew I would begin the process
of learning to identify
and ask for what I need
instead of accommading myself
to everhyone else’s needs
losing my own self in the process
losing my own self in the process.

Yes, you knew my path.

You know my present
and my future.
for you are “all-seeing.”
I can trust You.

3 1/2 years after writing this, I still see God working in these areas, going deeper, ever working.

The excellent article  below was quite helpful as I pondered the inevitable question of “why.” I suspect everyone asks it quietly if not out loud. If we spiritually bypass it enough we might convince ourselves we don’t wonder, but I wonder about that.

Also linking week with Diana Trautwein in her continuing series on suffering – this week is “The Question With No Answers.”  I recommend reading what she has to say.  “Why do bad things happen to Good people” is the question for this week.