It is sunset here at the Lake. Your Creation, Lord, does its work. (I talked about that HERE last weekend.) The chatter in my head fades away. And in the silence, my friend, Sadness, cautiously peeks out to see if it is safe. I have been ignoring her, much of today spent in what I now recognize as aimless activity, all the while hoping I’ll get something “useful” done. It did not work. It never does. As I sit with Sadness, I am aware of November 8th approaching, the 12th anniversary of my brother’s death, a death accompanied by so many losses.
the shaking of my faith
what is true
what is not true
what about prayer
why I bother to pray
at all
feeling weak because I can’t be
like my mom and dad
who seem so strong
fear of being too much
with too much grief for far
too long.
the inexplicable loneliness
while surrounded by
love of family who cannot replace
the ones I have lost, emergence of
long-denied grief over old
losses
exhaustion that comes
with mourning
scabs forming, pulling loose,
healing again until
Fall once again
leads to
November,
afraid I will grieve
forever, all the while knowing
it won’t feel this way
every day all day
it never does
anymore
Sadness, now a friend, comes most often with the approach of fall, when I am sitting in the quiet setting of the sun. Tears come unbidden and unhindered, for I have learned to shut them off is denying what is true. It is better to them come.
Folding up my lawn chair I gaze again at the setting sun and return to my life, a life which brings me much joy. The movie “Inside Out” had it right. Joy and Sorrow
Sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet your brother. Looking forward to our family reunion in Heaven!
What a day that will be!
This is beautiful. It flows so well-I especially like your closing with the image of folding your lawn chair, and a statement about Joy
As I was writing this, it came to me at the end it was just like in the movie. I need to watch it again now with new understanding. I remember how in the movie, Joy kept trying to push Sadness away and it bothered me! It should have, but they got it right.
Carol, I am in a very hard place now. Sweetheart is hospitalized. Lost him to Alzheimer. My heart bleeds. My Lord knows and cares and I want Him to comfort me.
Lois Bailey
Dear Lois, thank you for being there and sharing your deep grief and pain. I will be in touch by email. Dad would want to go and visit you if he were here and able.
“Better to let them come.” Tears are so very healing, Carol, and yes, joy and sorrow are not exclusive of each other. Thank you for thud
It took me awhile to be OK with tears. Not that I didn’t shed them, but I felt like they were a bit too much.
beautiful. your heart that comes through in this post. and the writing God has gifted you with.
Thanks for visiting here Emma. I have enjoyed getting to know your tender heart.