It is sunset here at the Lake. Your Creation, Lord, does its work. as the chatter in my head fades away. And in the silence, my friend, Sadness, cautiously peeks out behind the Weeping Willow Tree to see if it is safe. I have been ignoring her, much of today spent in what I now recognize as aimless activity, all the while hoping I’ll get something “useful†done. It did not  work. It never does.
As I sit with Sadness, I become acutely aware of November 8th approaching, the 12th anniversary of my brother’s death, a death accompanied by so many losses.
the shaking of my faith
what is true
what is not true
what about prayer
why IÂ bother to pray
at all
feeling weak because I can’t
be like my parents
who seem so strong
and my fear of being too much
with too much grief for much
too long.
the inexplicable loneliness
while embraced by joy of family
yet cannot replace the ones I have
lost, emergence of long-denied
grief over former
losses
exhaustion that comes
with mourning
scabs forming,
healing again until Fall
once again becomes
November
afraid I will  grieve
forever, Â knowing
it won’t feel this way
every day all day
it never does
anymore
Sadness, now a friend, comes most often with the approach of fall.  Tears come unbidden and unhindered this evening, as I welcome my familiar friend, for I have learned ignoring the tears she brings is denying what is true. . . better to let them come.
Folding up my lawn chair I gaze again at the setting sun and return to my life, a life which brings me much joy well as sadness.
Sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet your brother. Looking forward to our family reunion in Heaven!
What a day that will be!
This is beautiful. It flows so well-I especially like your closing with the image of folding your lawn chair, and a statement about Joy
As I was writing this, it came to me at the end it was just like in the movie. I need to watch it again now with new understanding. I remember how in the movie, Joy kept trying to push Sadness away and it bothered me! It should have, but they got it right.
Carol, I am in a very hard place now. Sweetheart is hospitalized. Lost him to Alzheimer. My heart bleeds. My Lord knows and cares and I want Him to comfort me.
Lois Bailey
Dear Lois, thank you for being there and sharing your deep grief and pain. I will be in touch by email. Dad would want to go and visit you if he were here and able.
“Better to let them come.” Tears are so very healing, Carol, and yes, joy and sorrow are not exclusive of each other. Thank you for thud
It took me awhile to be OK with tears. Not that I didn’t shed them, but I felt like they were a bit too much.
beautiful. your heart that comes through in this post. and the writing God has gifted you with.
Thanks for visiting here Emma. I have enjoyed getting to know your tender heart.