Carol Hiestand

Not even a sparrow, worth only half a penny, can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it.”  

“Only a sparrow” I observe
as I turn in disinterest from
the bird feeder outside my kitchen window

“Only a sparrow . . .”
Did I really say those words?
What was I thinking?

Jesus tells me “Your Father knows
when one of them
falls . . .

Aren’t you worth more than that?”
Making his point -
He will care for
me.

I look at my future
known only by
Him

I trust in the One who knows
when a sparrow falls. . .
knowing it’s safe to feel like a
sparrow.

This year on Ash Wednesday, I rejoiced in an “out of season bloom” from the cactus on my windowsill as God’s gift of Life and Beauty to me on a day that is to remind us of our mortality.

2012 was my first experience of living the Church year within a church community, although I have been experiencing my own Lenten meditations and readings for the last 4-5 years in my personal quiet times.  Ash Wednesday ushers in the season of Lent. Ruth Haley Barton explains it this way: “As we receive the symbolic gesture of the imposition of ashes on our foreheads, we acknowledge our human finiteness and mortality. No matter who we think we are, receiving the ashes reminds us that, “You are dust and to dust you will return” (Genesis 3:19). This is not meant to be morbid; it is just meant to limit our grandiosity and help us to stay in touch with the real human condition we all share.”

With anticipation I attended my first Ash Wednesday service last year – an opportunity for me to live into this new experience. As it turned out, this first venture into Ash Wednesday was difficult for me. I was troubled –  angry at death, angry at having it front and center. I was sad, once again tossed around by a wave of grief I didn’t expect as I grieved the losses I have experienced. The last thing I needed was a reminder of my immortality. I am all too aware of my mortality and the mortality of others. I also felt bad – maybe even a little guilty at my responses.

Months later I was sharing with David Fitch, one of our pastors who helped my understand my reactions. By the time Ash Wednesday rolled around last year, I had been living my own “Ash Wednesday.”  August through early January is marked by the death anniversary and birthday of   my mother and the  three siblings  I have lost – Gordon, Ronnie,  and Baby Brenda Jane -    These times are always days  I stop to “remember.” Sometimes they are harder than others, but I always remember. Being in a service that focused on reminding me that I am dust and will return to dust sent me to a sad, dark place. I am all too aware of my mortality. David helped me see I have my own Ash Wednesday and reassured me that I did not need to feel shame about my reactions.

Had I been able to hear God speak that night, I think I would have heard him say: “I know…I understand.”

So when I was greeted on this Ash Wednesday morning by the exquisite beauty of the cactus that has never bloomed this time of the year before, I was comforted. While we are mortals, Christ is our immortality and that is enough for me.

I suspect I will again attend an Ash Wednesday service, but for now, I am OK letting God hold me and comfort me on days when I am reminded of my losses, telling me He knows and understands, attuning Himself to me.

I love that about the God I love and serve.

Nov. 29, 2012

Another day to breathe in Your
beauty

As I walk by the lake, I am
calmed

Sensing I no need to learn or process
something

Tonight I will simply be and say “Thank
You.”

Last week we were in PA for my Mother-in-law’s memorial service. My aunt (my mother’s 90 year old sister) who came to the memorial service of her long time friend, stepped out of the car, lost her balance, fell backwards and died 7 hours later.  The day after we got home, I went over to the lake for some quiet time.

I am at loose ends today
home after five long days
a long day of travel both ways
       one funeral attended
       one I cannot attend

Two Godly women
Two deaths
one lingering
       expected
             quiet
one sudden
           quick

      traumatic.

They lived full, long lives.
They wanted to "go home."
It's time, some might say.
Yet rarely is it that easy.

Once again death leaves me unsettled
looking for something I can count on.

Sitting by the lake
at the end of this unsettled day
I notice the geese.

They flew in from the north a few weeks ago.
They will soon be flying further south for the winter.

The sun is setting lower in the sky these days.

I sit and breathe in the regular-ness of these things.
I am comforted

The season's still change.

And geese fly south in the Fall.

And then I remember . . . 
It's not "something" I am looking for.
It's the "Someone" who keeps all these things in order.

I’ve been hanging out in Psalm 119 and here is what I recently read:
 Ps. 119: 89, 90  Your word, Lord, is eternal;  it stands firm in the heavens. Your faithfulness continues through all generations;  you established the earth, and it endures.

He will carry me  . . . . .

This photo taken in 20o7 when my son took his son to his first Cubs game shouts the words

“He will carry me!”

 Mark Shulz sings it best in his song “He Will Carry Me.”  It’s always the song that starts playing in my mind when I see this photo.  And I think of all the ways He has carried me!

How has he carried you?

August 2009:  I am exhausted, in need of comfort, having spent the past two months intensely caring for mom and dad.  At last,  a chance to get away for a few quiet days at our favorite place. 

Christmas Mountain, Wisconsin

I’ll  catch up, process, plan, get organized.  As I share with Galen how exhausted I am, he suggests what I need is rest.  He encourages me to put aside my “plans” for tomorrow.  He observes  that the energy expended over these stress-filled months have taken their toll.   I need to rest, not process and plan. 

After a good night sleep, the first in a long time, I spend some time in Ruth Barton’s Book Sacred Rhythms,  spending most of my time on the chapter entitled  “Rest for the Mind.”   

I rest

      solve

      no problems

            process

            nothing

And go for a walk. 

Standing in the quiet

of the country lane I pray

"Oh, God, I need your comfort

Sometimes you seem so present

other times so far way . . .

      like now."

Today . . . right now

I need to feel you close

I need to hear from you

I continue walking

Is there something you have here

for me?

Through the trees ahead I hear

      footsteps scurrying

      to and from house to car.

      car doors opening and

      slamming shut

      Muffled voices

And then a clear, comforting voice ringing out

“Here I am.”

And I know I have “heard” from You.

Now three years later, I look back and see your comfort during the 7 weeks that followed until my mom died and then as I card for Dad.  

 I am grateful.  My prayer today this Sept. 11, is for those in need of comfort.

Here is an excerpt from my one of my digital books “I Will Remember and Celebrate God’s Goodness with My Family”

My little sister would have been 53 on Tuesday.

Living only 7 hours, too little to survive, she came and went on the same day.

Again I am caught by surprise by how deeply you can miss someone

you never saw,

never knew

and never was part of your life.

Tuesday I cried for my sister.

Recently I created these two pages from my post last year on her birthday. You can read it HERE

Today I continue with my paraphrase

of Before the Throne of God Above.

See verse verse one HERE

When Satan tempts me to despair

And tells me of the guilt within

Upward I look and see Him there

Who made an end to all my sin.

Satan tried to make me believe I am

                              unworthy

and for good reason.

But I simply have to look up

               to see Him there.

He already paid the price.

I am worthy of His love.

Because the sinless Savior died

My sinful soul is counted free

For Go the just is satisfied

to look on Him and Pardon me.

               He, the sinless one, who died

               Made it possible for me to be seen as

                              forgiven . . .

                                             righteous.

               the just God looks at my Savior . . .

                              sees

                                             then

                                                            pardons

                                                                           me.

Behold him there, the risen Lamb

My perfect spotless righteousness

The great unchangeable I AM

The King of glory and of grace.

               Look . . .

               God’s spotless perfection

               Unchangeable,

               The King of glory and of grace.

One with Himself I cannot die

My soul is purchased by His blood

My life is hid with Christ on high

With Christ my Savoir and my God!

               One with Him, I will live forever!

               He paid for my soul with his blood

               So, it’s “me and Christ.”

               We blend together

               God can’t see one

                              without seeing

                                             the other.

A number of years ago, I attended a Worship Arts Conference at Willow Creek Church in Barrington, Illinois. In one of the workshops on worship leading we talked about how we as worship leaders do not just sing. We lead others to worship. And to lead others, we must be worshipers ourselves.

One of the ways to prepare ourselves to lead worship is to take the words of a song and write our own paraphrase to the song. Our worship pastor, Brian Mulder,  encouraged us to try this and the song “Before the Throne” a song rich with meaning became even more meaningful as I wrote out the song in my own words. Doing this over the years has often helped me prepare my own heart to connect with the message as I prepare to “lead” worship.

And as a worshipper, leader or not, taking the words of a meaningful song that you sing on Sunday morning and creating your own paraphrase during the following week can be a powerful experience. And so, I share my experience with you from the spring of 2004.

Before the Throne of God Above
written by Charitie Lees Bancroft, 1863

my paraphrase in italics

verse 1

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea
A great high Priest whose Name is Love
Who ever lives and pleads for me
Before the throne of God
I have my very own High Priest
And because of his great love
He lives forever . . .
Pleading my case
and standing up for me

My name is graven on His hands
My name is written on His heart
I know that while in heaven He stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
My name is engraved right on His Hand
When He looks there he remembers
How does He have room to write
all of our names there?
Does He write them in layers
Maybe He has an extra large hand?
Do His eyes look
through all the layers
and find my name there.
My name is also written on His heart
And while He is present before God’s throne,
No one can say to me “get out of here,
you don’t belong.”

(to be continued)

Yesterday the gentle breeze blew the ripples
 to the northeast.

Lord, let my life to be like the waves
responsive to the wind of your Holy Spirit
“blowing” in the direction you have for me.

For  ”You know my path.”
Psalm 143:2