Longing for More

March 2008

I am in a small group and we are to ponder our answer to Jesus’ question, “What do you really want from me?” I found something I wrote back in February and it captured the essence of what I want right now –

God, I need to hear from You . . .
sense your presence . . .
know you are near . . .
really know it.

Today I feel the “true me”
stepping into the shadows.
Why do I think it’s safer there?
It’s not safe for my soul . . .
the “true me” you made.

The “me” you have made often hides
behind a façade of
being “in charge”
being “ok.”
the very façade
I so detest
in others.

I find myself wanting those shadows.
No, I don’t want to go
as much as I feel
pulled . . .

I am tired.
The effort not to go
is too much.
And I end up there
by default when I am
too tired . . .
too peopled-out.

Yet I wonder.
Maybe it is not so much a desire to be alone
as an obsession with what others
might be thinking of me.

And I always believed it to be noble
to worry about others,
to be willing to submerge
my thoughts
my desires.

I thought it was about them,
when often it was about me.

Lord, I need to be reminded today
of who I am.
I am Your servant!
Help the true me to come to serve today

Dear Carol . . .
My presence will go with You
the Real You
I’ve always been with the
Real You.
When you are with your
False Self,
you have a harder time
seeing me
feeling my presence!

Keep your eyes on ME!

4 Replies to “Longing for More”

  1. I remember this March 2008…and am again at a place of “What do I want Jesus to do for me?” I too am tired and seeing the false self more evident these days. Though I’m not as satisfied now allowing its face to shine…I want to be me, the true me, the me God created who has a divine purpose in this world. Yet, more than not these days my true self is eluding me. I must make some time for quiet solitude…it’s been too long without an extended time with Jesus. I know He is inviting…I must accept the invitation!
    Have been reading the book, “You Can Let Go Now, It’s Okay to be Who You Are” by Mark J. Chirronna. In it he processes through the Biblical story of Jacob and reveals how by letting go of our falsities we are transformed into who God purposed us to be. Not an easy journey but a necessary one if we want to reach our destinies.
    Thanks, Carol, for always sharing your heart and helping us to seek a deeper walk with God. Love you!

  2. When we look at the ones(our heritage)who have have gone before us, the legacy of faithfulness,humbling themselves even when they really didn’t see the way to go,I am challenged to stick closer to be my true self as HE has made the way for me to be my true self if I let Him. thanks for being a servant in sharing your walk in Jesus!! Carolyn

  3. Hi Carol,

    I just read your blog. I feel a kinship with you that is more than blood relationship. You resonate with my heart. There have been some really rough times for me as well. I have to keep struggling to not let sadness overwhelm me at time. But I have a much deeper relationship with God. Isn’t interesting that darkness brings us to light more keenly? Have you read any of Joyce Ripps book? They really helped me.

    In love, Elaine

    If God sends you down a stony path,
    may he give you strong shoes.

  4. carol,

    i can identify … But I think this type of thought process has become a more recent occurrence for me ( like in the last 5 years) than in times past. I attribute it to my age and the realization that I cannot “do” what I once could… But have been reminded anew that God is really calling me to “be” what He asks… and that when I am honest with others, God helps them to be honest with themselves about their need for Him. Hiding my inability to “keep up” is of no benefit to them… But by humbling myself, admitting my frustration with my limitations, and sharing how the LORD still brings opportunity to be used for His Glory in the midst of it, they are blessed. Please forgive the ” raw, unedited” thoughts I share… I am just spilling from the heart. 🙂

    thanks for sharing your thoughts.


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