Remember and Celebrate

February 14, 2012

Release of a Different Kind

Something is different this year!  A letter to my brother…

Dear Little Brother,

It’s November 8th again, 6 years since you left us. And as on every anniversary, I release a red balloon for you, for our shared birthstone, a deep garnet.

I take my red balloon to the clerk who inflates it for me, telling me it’s not really red and maybe I don’t want it. I assure him it’s ok, not bothering to tell him why you won’t notice or even care about the color.  So he ties a nice pink ribbon to the end of the pink-supposed-to-be-red balloon and I head over to the Beach.

The first time I released a balloon for you, I went to my favorite beach. I knew you’d like it too. It’s a wild, rugged beach, but it’s too far to drive today and it’s cold.

 The wind is whipping the balloon around in crazy circles and I don’t want it to fly out of my hand until I’m ready.

 

That first year, you (well, your balloon) slipped right out of my hand before I was ready, just as you slipped out of our lives with no warning. That day I went back to the car and got another balloon and released another one when I was ready!

Letting go of the balloon seems to mean something different this year.

 In the past the balloon was a symbol of you – the little brother I prayed for – the one who shared my birth month.

Today it seems to be a symbol of letting go – but letting go of what, of whom. How do I let go of you? You’re part of who I am.

I turn to leave after your balloon disappears out of site.

 

Each year, on these anniversary days, I look for a rock before I leave the beach. And today I look again. This beach has few rocks, but I find one. . . A rock within a rock . . . part of, yet separate. It’s how I see you and me. 

As I ponder these things over the next few days, I realize this experience is a symbol of letting go of the grief surrounding the loss. This year, releasing the balloon was a celebration of you – not a remembering of loss. 

Early in my grief, I read an article about the need to release grief. I wondered how you know when that needs to happen. And is it a specific moment in time, or a gradual adjustment to the loss?

I still don’t know for sure, but it was important for me to take my own journey through grief. I had to embrace it, accept the invitation your loss brought, run into the darkness so I could find the light, get the help I need and keep writing. Then when the time was right for me, I found release from the grief. The anniversary of your loss becomes a celebration of YOU and the gift you were in my life, rather than a commemoration of the sadness and grief of losing you.

I have learned: having formulas and time tables are much easier for those who want to help the griever, but not helpful for the one grieving. Had my friends told me I needed to let go of my grief rather than letting me work through my grief, I would have focused on the impossibility of letting go.

I am grateful for friends and family who allowed me to journey my own path, incorporating the unresolved losses of the past so that I could arrive on the time table God had for me. I suspect there is still more to this journey, more to learn, but this anniversary was a milestone.

It feels good little brother. I wish you were here so I could tell you all of this in person. That’s silly . . . I suspect you’d have little patience for  this symbolism and processing, but since you’re not here, you can’t give me a hard time about it. We were so different, yet alike in many ways.

I love you little brother. Wish you were here. I’ll see you in heaven some day!

Love,
Your Big Sis

4 Comments

4 responses to “Release of a Different Kind”

  1. Carol,

    Thank you for sharing this with us/me. Honored.
    Feeling misty here as I read your words. I’m so glad you had family and friends who supported you in your grief process. This is hopeful: “Then when the time was right for me, I found release from the grief. The anniversary of your loss becomes a celebration of YOU and the gift you were in my life, rather than a commemoration of the sadness and grief of losing you. – See more at: http://carolhiestand.com/release-of-a-different-kind-2/02/#sthash.WbhSPZdy.dpuf

  2. carol says:

    traveling the journey in community is really important to healing, isn’t it?! thank you for your companionship on the journey!

  3. Kim L. says:

    Though you shared this with me in person, reading it again stirs my heart! Traveling with you through your grief journey and my own has been a blessing beyond words. Blessings to you, my dearest of friends.

  4. Elaine says:

    I love to hear this “Letting go” part for you Carol. Your blog helps the rest of us in our letting go processes. Thank you and Happy Valentine’s Day. I’m glad I found you this year.

    Love, Elaine

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