After the first anniversary of my brother Gordon’s death, I wrote about the things I needed through that first year. (read “To Those Who Would Comfort Me, Part 1,” HERE)
The following piece is from a Sept. 2010 entry in my journal as I was approaching the 5th anniversary of his death . (If you do not know my story, you can read it starting HERE.) These are things that I noticed that continued to help me during those first years.
I understand this is my story, my journey, and some of these things might not be helpful for everyone. However, perhaps there is something in my story that will help you as you care for those you know who are grieving.
Use his name because I like hearing it.A
And I am pleasantly startled
when you use it, especially when
you didn’t know him.
Hearing it makes him real
on the days it feels like he
isn’t.
Don’t avoid talking about him
because you are afraid it will
make me think about him
or make me sad.
I think about him all the time
and I’m already
sad.
Hearing you talk about him |
makes me happy.
If you knew him,
tell me stories.
If you didn’t, ask me.
Let me talk about
him.
Don’t be afraid of my tears.
Tears are good.
Letting them flow instead of
trying to hold them back
because I am afraid
you will be upset is a
relief.
If you see me weeping during worship,
You don’t need to say anything.
Worship makes me tender.
Nothing you say will make it better.
A touch, a hug later
let’s me know you
care.
It’s OK to ask about
my parents
his wife
his kids
But please ask about me too.
Asking validates my own grief.
I realize being with me in my grief
can bring up your own losses,
I can’t handle your grief
and mine too.
And details about your losses
can make it feel like we are in a
competition.
I can tell if you have suffered loss.
You don’t have to tell me
And if you haven’t,
hug me,
pray for me
especially if you really will
pray.
You can’t fix this
You can’t make it better.
You can pray for me.
Please don’t put a timeframe
on my grief. Give me
the time I need for this
journey.
Click HERE for To Those Who Would Comfort Me (part one)
Carol, you have some great stuff here for those grieving. Both Russ and I have had 40 years between us dealing with the loss of parents and other losses that still impact us after so many years. But our family in the body of Christ has been amazing in these situations. The best was (and is) the “gift of presence,” when many friends gave in creative and very helpful ways.
There’s a multitude of things one can do to help bear the burden of grief, especially when the family is busy with funeral arrangements, visitations and the inevitable taking care of “family business.” For example, when my dad died, my cousin took my kids (they were little at the time) out to McDonalds and a play space so they could expend energy during the viewing. Friends from our church in Wisconsin traveled the 3 hours to South Holland (far south suburb) just to BE there, available when needed and praying the rest of the time. What a gift.
Traversing the “valley of the shadow of death” is unique for each of us. It is a blessing when brothers and sisters in Christ walk it with us. (Sorry if this is so long!)
thank you Cyd. As I have already told you, sharing your journey with grief has helped me – isn’t that what it’s all about – being able to walk with each other and to tell our stories. Deeply appreciating your ministry among us at Live on the Vine
What a gift! I resonate so much with what you have written here – and in the first one as well. Thank you for sharing this – especially with so many grieving in our community right now.
Yes Carolyn. Please do share. It’s why I write and anything I put on my Blog is open for sharing. My prayer is that God will help someone else by sharing my story.
This is wonderful. So well thought out from your experiences. May I share this w/a friend who lost her son in Iraq? I believe she would identify much of what you experienced!