When I Can’t See…

written Sept. 2008 during a time when I  struggled with fear. This post is part of the process of learning to trust again after the loss of my brother and grieving the earlier losses of two siblings as a child.  Even now, three years later, I still struggle at times with fear. What is also true is this:  God met me through this time of doubt and gradually I have learned to trust again.

“My” rock, next to this willow tree at Lake Opeka is one of my “Sacred Places.” have spent a lot of time on this rock over the years, processing losses, reading scripture, praying and spending time with God.

September 14, 2008 there was too much water too fast, and we have water in our basement and a big mess.

A few days later in the evening, I go to my favorite spot, only to discover that “my rock” is no longer there.

lake opeka and flooding

At least it doesn’t seem to be.

I have never seen the water so high. A few years ago, the water was so low, I could sit on the edge of this rock and barely dangle my feet in the water. And now I can’t see it at all.

As I stand here these thoughts come to mind:

Oh, there it is, my rock
I think I can see it now.
There, that light tan area . . .

No, it’s just the play of the sun
And the shadows on the water.

Bu  it’s there.
It’s been there long before
I started coming to this place.
It has never moved before!

God, sometimes I can’t see you either.
But like this rock, you were there
long before I started coming to you
You’ve never moved
So I know you’re still there
providing a firm foundation
for now
for the future.

God you know I am full of fear –
fear for the personal safety
of those I love
fearful of losing again.

Help me understand trusting you
is no guarantee of
never losing again.

It does mean I believe you have
my best interests
and the interests of those I love
at heart
in light of

I’ll always love you;
But still, right now, I am afraid.
Help me be able to say with King David,
“Whenever I am afraid,
I will trust in you.”

Slowly the “my rock” becomes visible, no longer obscured by the water. And so, You too become visible, no longer obscured by circumstances.

Until then, help me see with the eyes of faith. 




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