It’s peaceful out here tonight.
The snow makes everything
And I breathe deeply.
I didn’t know if I’d truly know
that I could feel this good.
I thought I had lost myself,
never to find the old me again
I didn’t find the old me exactly.
What I am starting to discover
is the me that God created
me to be . . .
the one I was
before I developed patterns of coping
with pain and loss
patterns that are no longer helpful.
The me who now
knows herself more fully
and in turn can relate more fully
with God and others.
Tonight I feel deep down joy.
I am so glad it is still to be found.
My heart broke,
my world crashed around me
but in the rebuilding I found
strength I’d never known.
Thank you, God.
March of 2009. Mom has just been admitted to hospice care. I am on my way to see Carol and the kids and I am so afraid of all that is ahead. I don’t know how I will manage her care. It seems very overwhelming. I am sitting on the plane waiting for take-off, talking to Galen about my fears. I end the conversation as we are preparing for takeoff . . . . . .
And I notice this symbol on the wing of the airplane
outside my window.
but as I sit here
and think about what is ahead,
that silly circle
is all I can see
from my window seat
over the wing.
Lord, I feel like I am on a
in need of a safety line.
And you remind me . . .
a safely line is only
as safe as the
And I know there is a lesson here for me.
I will attach my line to YOU
as I’m learning once again to trust.
But I am really scared.
I know my faith dare not rest
only on You doing
what I want . . .
what I think
Please help me.
I want to trust that
You’ll coordinate all these things
as I am losing again.
Be patient with me
while I learn to walk by faith yet again . . .
trusting the “Attach Point”
When I return home, I ask a dear family friend, John Tyler who is a retired American Airlines Mechanic. He tells me that in the emergency, the emergency door is opened but on a narrow-bodied plane like this one, there is no chute. The passengers slide down the flaps – the first person out attaches a rope to this “safety line attach point,” and it is used as a safety rope/guide line for those leaving the plane.
“Keep me safe, O God,
I’ve run for dear life to you.
I say to GOD, “Be my Lord!”
Without you, nothing makes sense.
My choice is you, GOD, first and only.
And now I find I’m your choice!
How I need the quiet.
It’s been a week of
being in new places
and more people
(even at night,
my hotel room is full of people)
Days without time alone with You
Leave me on edge . . . restless.
I eat too much, thinking that will satisfy.
I check email too often.
I restlessly roam from room to room
accomplishing nothing of value.
I lose my focus as I
eat . . .
roam . . .
continually check email.
And then I realize I am procrastinating . . .
not finding the thing I need most . . .
time alone with You.
He did it again.
The enemy tells me I can still the
with things that don’t satisfy.
As long as He can keep me searching
in the wrong places,
I distance myself
the only one
who really satisfies.
Now I am sitting here by the Lake.
I look at the water . . .
I hear the noise of the suburbs,
and it is asking nothing of me.
At last, alone with You
I feel your peace.
I feel your heart for me.
I feel my heart for you.
Why did I wait so long?
Why did I try all those other things?
I didn’t even recognize it was the enemy
using what He knows best
to keep me from You.
God, the next time,
help me pay attention
to what is really happening
in my soul.
And look for the ONE
who truly satisfies.
from my journal, an entry from October 2006, as I was in the midst of deeply grieving the loss of Gordon:
And there’s a question asked in my small group. This community was life to me: I learned through all of the changes that followed Nov. 2005 that Community is life sustaining and necessary for deep change and healing to take place.
“What hinders me from “going deeper” with God? –
Here is my journaled answer:
I lose my peace and I am hindered from going deeper with God when I:
Focus on the future,
Forgetting God’s overriding interest
in my future
Fearing I’ll only exchange one hurt
Focus on the present:
forgetting God’s presence
in my present
Believing my present is
Focus on past hurts and pain
forgetting God’s extends grace to me
so I can extend it others.
and forgetting HE heals the broken hearted
Love flows unhindered between us when I
God’s presence in my present
God’s sovereignty in my future
God’s grace for my past
These reminders are gifts to me.
how easy to forget . . .
how easy to lose hope . . .
how blessed when I remember
Posted 9/16/10 – written July 16, 2006 – It’s 7 1/2 months after Gordon died. This week, we will be going to Montana to visit the place where Gordon was found. The job loss and the resulting crises it precipitated is still fresh, adding to my stress. During the sermon, the pastor asks us to spend a few quiet moments journaling on Psalm 46:1.
GOD is our refuge!
not our own workings . . .
our own plans . . .
our safety nets firmly in place.
God IS our refuge!
not was . . .
not will be . . .
not maybe . . .
God is OUR refuge!
Mine . . . Yours . . . Ours . . .
A personal refuge.
God is our REFUGE!
a place to which I run,
a safe place away from all
the noise . . .
the danger . . .
the confusion. . .
An EVER-present help in trouble!
aways there . . .
never leaving me,
no matter how bad I feel,
no matter how deep the pit.
An ever-PRESENT help in trouble!
You make yourself “present to” me.
I know you are there.
I feel your love and your care.
An ever-present HELP in trouble.
Not only are you present . . .
An ever-present help IN TROUBLE!
when “bad things” happen,
when I need you most,
always there to sustain me . . .
offering what I need.
And I can say “I will fear no evil,
for my God is with me.”
This could be filed under “Much of what I know I learned from my grandchildren!” I wrote this in my journal back in May 2006 after waiting for Gerald and his family to arrive at the Harrisburg, PA airport. We were all gathering for one of our annual family weekends. I stood there thinking of what I had seen years before and was hoping for the same experience….and there he was!
Years ago at an airport I watched a grandma waiting . . .
and a little child saw her . . .
and came running down the hall . . .
and jumped into her arms . . .
and gave her a big hug and a kiss . . .
so delighted was he to see her.
And I prayed: “Someday, God, please let that be me.”
Tonight I am the one waiting at the airport. . .
and Jake sees me . . .
and comes racing down the hall . . .
and jumps into my arms . . .
and gives me a big hug and a kiss . . .
so delighted is he to see me.
And I pray: “Thank You God! Tonight that is me!”